My Funny Rurouni
by Chibi Tenshi
Summary: A post-Jinchuu one-shot revolving around Kaoru's thoughts as she's left alone. Reviews would be greatly appreciated ^_^


Disclaimer: Though it may come as a shock to most people, I do NOT own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters.  If I did, surely the bishies would be mine! *maniacal laughter*

Author's Notes: It's been a while since I've done anything RK and against my better judgement, I'm posting this one up.  I've decided to stick to one-shots since I have this terrible tendency to start fics I can't finish.  Anyway, this one's dedicated to Kirstian, my supportive imouto-chan and bishie-tormenter.  Don't ask me about the title btw.  It sorta came to me as a variation of the song, My Funny Valentine.

Timeline: Fic takes place after the end of the RK manga.

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My Funny Rurouni 

I don't know how long I sat there crying.  I wasn't even conscious of the tears trickling down my cheeks, nor the cold that slowly enveloped me.  All I knew was this inner loneliness that nestled within, far too familiar and far too welcoming.

The sun had begun its descent into the blackening skies, the moon a companion not too far behind.  As I gaze upwards, I'm struck by how much this reminds me of my own life.

Much as I pretend not to notice, or overly react, criticisms hurt me.  Do they all believe that I am deaf or that I don't care? Don't they think it upsets me whenever I'm reminded of the fact that I'm unworthy of him?

My hands are heavily callused, and my figure will never be that of a lady.  My temper gets the best of me, but as the years pass by, I am learning.  I do try, but recently, it's been harder.  The bokken is as much a part of me as my husband's past is.  It is only through the physical motions that I am able to find myself.

So why am I here? Why am I as lost as I had been before I met him?

_Inhale.  Concentrate.  Imagine the motions.  Follow through._

Each motion slices through the air in my mind, more graceful than the awkward young girl I used to be ever possessed.

_Anticipate.  React.  Defend.  Show no fear._

Yet it still resides deep in my heart.  I stand up abruptly.  The urge to move and do something has become overwhelming.  As my feet dances across the courtyard, my motions reveal my uncertainty and my innermost confusion.  Why do I feel the way I do?

Why does the loneliness never go away?

Abruptly, I come to a halt.  The bokken dangles from my hand as I fall back wearily on the steps.  I know Megumi would give me an earful if she knew what I had been doing.  My other hand moves to rest on my stomach, and in it lies all my hopes and dreams.

I remember the day Kenshin asked me for a walk.  The memory springs to my mind as fresh as the day it occurred.

"Kaoru-dono…" 

_Lost in my thoughts, I'd been surprised by him.  I gave him a quizzical look.  "Kenshin? Did you need something? Perhaps you would like a hand in the kitchen?"_

_Dismay flitted across his expression, and I bit back my giggles.  I knew what a terrible cook I was.  But by offering, I could always get out of cooking.  Plus, Sanosuke and Yahiko's complaints had grown tiresome._

_"No, that's not it.  I would like to speak to you, if it's possible."_

_My heart began thumping erratically.  Talk? Short of me confronting him with my nonsensical discussions, he never volunteered to speak to me.  My chest began hurting, and I found myself struggling to breathe._

_As always he noticed.  He always did.  _

_Kenshin placed his hand behind my back, its burning warmth comforting.  Eyes bright with concern, he asked, "Are you okay, Kaoru-dono? Have you been working too much?"_

_Times had been harder than usual.  I'd been forced to teach more lessons.  After our return back to Tokyo, everyone had been more protective of me than usual.  Although I appreciated their concern, it still bothered me._

_I shook my head.  "I'm fine, Kenshin.  Don't be such a worry wart."  I flashed him a smile, and flexed my arms in a move that I thought he would find funny.  _

_Though his eyes were still suspicious, he nodded with the faintest glimmer of amusement on his face.  I knew in his own quiet and unobtrusive way, he would make sure that I got enough rest and he would find out what was bothering me.  _

_Pressing against my back, he said, "Shall we go for a walk?"_

_I closed my eyes, and I could nearly smell the cherry blossoms.  My heart twisted again.  After all that we'd been through, he wouldn't leave me – not now._

_I nodded._

_With weary steps, I allowed him to lead me to our place.  _

_Though filled with bittersweet memories, its beauty never failed to take my breath away.  Dusk was approaching, and the intoxicating scent of cherry blossoms flirted with the brilliant glow of fireflies dancing across our path._

_"It's beautiful," I breathed out._

_"Aaa," was all Kenshin would say, and I was somewhat taken aback to find him staring at me as he agreed._

_I found my cheeks turning red.  For all everyone assumed that we would be together, especially after what Enishi had put us through, I wished someone had told Kenshin that._

_I turned around, unwilling to let him see how he had managed to turn me into a blushing schoolgirl.  Whatever we had between us was still too delicate – wisps of a relationship easily torn asunder by doubt and slow progress._

_To my surprise, his fingers found their way into my hand.  I absorbed his warmth greedily.  The contact was so rare, and so cherished as a result.  With gentle strength, he turned me around to meet his eyes._

_What I saw there knocked my world off-kilter.  For some reason, I no longer felt uncertain.  _

_"Kaoru-dono," he said huskily._

_My heart began pounding in strange rhythm again – this time, in anticipation.  Would all my dreams be realized in this one moment?_

_"I am a simple man, with not a lot to offer.  My past…" His eyes clouded over.  I squeezed his hand, giving him simple comfort.  He gave a small smile before continuing.  "… it's dangerous, and I have people I have hurt in the past.  But, I promise to always protect you."_

_The words, though touching, bothered me.  With my other hand, I grazed his scarred cheek.  How beautiful he looks to me.  His long red hair, tied back low and neatly at the nape of his neck, swayed gently to the night breeze.  His eyes, bright with the depth of his emotion, but tinged with his guilt and heavy burdens, tugged at me.  _

_"Don't you see, Kenshin? It's not me who needs protection."_

_In a move that would've scandalized the world, I stepped into his arms and held his body close to mine.  "I'll protect you," I whispered next to his ears._

_He shuddered.  My brave, wonderful rurouni actually trembled in my arms.  He clutched me fiercely, shaking with powerful need.  "I need you," he said in broken breaths.  _

_"And all I ever needed was you," I answered._

_I took in his scent, mingled with the cherry blossoms.  Night had long since fallen and the air was crisp and cold.  Yet I felt none of it in his warm embrace.  _

_Slowly, I pulled away, and I looked at him.  His eyes looked curiously wet.  _

_"Ne, Kenshin," I asked._

_"Hmm?" he said rather absently.  _

_"Was that a proposal by any chance?"_

_His eyes popped out, and the look of dismay on his face was absolutely priceless.  "Sessh-sessha…" _

_Did I mention how adorable I found Kenshin when he was flustered and confused? With a loud exclamation of "Oro", he muttered something under his breath._

_I cupped my ear.  For some reason, I'm feeling rather Sanosuke-esque.  "What was that?"_

_He growled.  My rurouni actually growled.  He pulled me closer to him, and I went back into his embrace willingly.  _

_"Marry me.  Marry this unworthy one," he said huskily, his breath tickling my ear.  I shivered from the sensation._

His words still conjure up a fierce emotion, and I find myself getting emotional.  Bokken long discarded, I bury my face in my hands, sitting on the steps.  The tears have returned.  Was it so wrong for me to miss him the way I do?

Our small group of friends had been delighted.  Sanosuke thumped Kenshin heartily on the back, saying "About time!" while Misao's cheers could've been heard from Kyoto.  We wanted a small ceremony – something small and simple.  We'd been together for so long that it seemed like nothing had changed.

Yet, everything had.

His touches on me seemed to linger, and I felt a sudden sense of urgency.  His gazes burned through me, and blushes came more frequently than usual.  That night, he taught me what belonging was all about.  With fingers more callused than mine, his touches wrought exquisite feelings.  His mouth brought forth sensations I never believed possible.  In his arms, as we joined, I felt beautiful but most of all, I was loved.

I close my eyes once again, hot tears trickling down.  I tried so hard to be the perfect wife.  I would never be gentle like Tomoe, nor a lady like Megumi.  I was too much of a tomboy, with hips far too wide, and arms far too muscular.  I tried to mind my manners, and watch my temper.  But as the months went by, it became worse.

Then came Kenshin's departure.  

His mouth had been set in a thin line when he returned from his meeting with Saitoh.  I knew before he even said a word.  I clung to him like the weak, love-lorn woman that I was.  How could I explain this feeling of foreboding that hit me earlier in the day? 

He refused to let me accompany him, telling me to stay put.  He would only be gone for three months, he told me.  He didn't want to endanger me.  

I still remember that day.

_"Stop treating me as a child!!" I screamed at him._

_He looked back at me, the expression on his face reminding me of how my father looked like after I had been particularly disobedient.  _

_"Then stop acting like one," he replied coldly._

_At the words that tumbled from his mouth, both of us stilled.  He appeared shocked, but his words hurt me to my very core.  How could he possibly have known that what he said echoed some of my deepest fears?_

_I was a child, as Megumi had once told me.  I couldn't possibly be with someone like Kenshin._

_He took a step forward, and I ran._

_Back into the comfort and safety of my old room, I cried myself to sleep.  At some point, I was conscious of arms stealing around me on top of my own.  His head cushioned between my neck and my shoulder, he whispered, "I'm sorry."_

_I turned around to face him, tears still glistening on my cheeks.  "Then, don't leave me."_

_"I… I have no choice."_

_On some level, I understood why he felt he had to save this country.  He needed to atone for sins he had committed in his youth.  Though it had been for the country's good at the time, the damage he had inflicted had been irreparable on his gentle soul._

_I closed my eyes.  "Come back to me.  Promise me."_

_That night, he was far more demanding and fierce than he usually was.  I found myself swept away by the vortex of emotions he was creating in me.  That night, release never seemed that much sweeter._

_It wasn't until later that I realized he'd never said he would keep his promise._

I took a deep breath, and raised teary eyes to stare at the moon above.  Its silvery brilliance bathed the lands below, clouds at bay for a change.  

I'm reminded of the glow that I used to have when I first got married.  Now, all that remains is a wife who is entirely too lonely, and missing her husband who'd been missing for five months.

I begged and pestered Saitoh, until he all but threw me out of the station.  I swore I saw a glimmer of emotion in his eyes, looking almost sympathetic as he growled out he didn't know where Kenshin was.

I'd written off countless of letters, asking Aoshi and the Oniwabanshu for assistance.  Their responses would come back empty, offering words of comfort that never touched me.

Our friends have also been relentless in their search, and yet, no word. 

Sometimes I wonder, was nothing better than something?

At least, I had some semblance of hope to hold on to, no matter how slight.

_Inhale.  Strength.  Imagine.  Move._

I wrap my arms around my stomach, protecting the not-so tiny speck of life living within.  Little did Kenshin know that when he left me that night, he would be leaving me with the only reminder of him.  I smile despite myself, hand rubbing over my tummy.

"How are you doing, little one?" Though it seems ridiculous, I'm convinced my child can hear me.  A barely perceptible movement from beneath causes a giggle to bubble from out of me.  "Active, aren't we?" The motions have become stronger.  I laugh a little as I remember how Yahiko had nearly screamed the house down when he first felt the baby's kicks.

"It's the devil!" he had proclaimed with eyes rounded with fright.

The bokken that came down promptly had him howling in pain.  "Bite your tongue," I retorted.

My eyes are filled with tears again at that thought.  Hormones are turning me into a more emotional woman than I had ever been.  Even Yahiko and Sanosuke have learned to watch their mouths around me.  Megumi had told me to become pregnant more often.

At her words, I barely bit back the response that I needed a husband to do that.  

My mood grows somber as I continue to rub my now protruding belly.  "Grow strong and healthy, so that your father can be proud."

"Come back to me," I whisper.  

Warmth steals around me, and I find myself being surrounded by his scent.  

"He's already proud," Kenshin says brokenly.  His hand rests on top of mine and he leans his head against my own.  

There'd be time for warm welcomes and passionate embraces later on.  For now, I say the only thing on my mind as I hold back my tears.

"Okaeri-nasai…"

I can feel his smile against my cheek.  

"Tadaima."


End file.
